Comedy

For many of us, (sadly) this is not our first Judgment Day. I’ll try to run through the obvious stuff quickly before moving on to the finer points for how you can best prepare for the Rapture.

Basics:
1. Sell all worldly possessions (but keep the cash, the Lord tests us in mysterious ways).

2. If you have a get together, don’t serve Kool Aid. It’s tacky.

3. Enjoy a week of passive aggressive meeting planning – schedule all meetings with annoying people after the 21st of May. Actually, if you can, push them out past October 21st.

4. Drop off your pets at the post-apocalyptic baby sitting service of your choice. May I suggest “Eternal Earthbound Pets.”

5. Avoid party planning. Your guest list may shrink, and anyway, if you have a post-rapture party your holy friends will only feel like you’re rubbing things in.

6. Turn off electronics. Remember, just because you were swept away doesn’t mean lesser beings need to suffer through your alarm clock going off every morning until the apocalypse comes.

ADVANCED – SCHEDULING NOTES:

The Rapture is scheduled to happen at precisely 6 p.m. local time. Things may get very confusing in locations such as College Corner on the Indiana side when the Rapture and massive earthquake hits the Ohio side while leaving your side alone for an additional hour. I recommend lawn chairs, popcorn, and patience, it’s only a matter of time before the Rapture reaches you too.

Please do refrain from running across time zones in an attempt to get God to pick you up. This will only make you look desperate, and really if God wants you in the Rapture he’s not going to miss you.

What to Do if You are Left Behind: Please refer to my motivational pamphlet “So You Didn’t Get Swept Away by the Rapture.”