I read “Real Turkeys – The Worst Videos of All Time” and was inspired to create my own list of worst music videos. While I thought some of the suggested videos presented
were truly terrible (Money Can’t Buy You Class, That’s How I Beat Shak, and Heidi Montag’s whatever that was) I felt they missed some real gems.
The general rules for this list are:
1. Spanning across as much time as possible – meaning I’d like to bring you some of the worst videos dating all the way back to the 1960s. (They say music videos were invented in the 80s don’t believe the hype, that’s just a feeble excuse so bands can have a reason for making so many crappy videos then… there were some music videos before that.)
2. Bad but fun – meaning picks are campy, make me laugh, or have a high wtf factor. Some of these are terrible, but I love them because of it. They can’t all be fun (Ke$ha), but I’ve done my best.
3. Not 80s focused – finding bad 80s music videos is like shooting fish in a barrel. I’m including some 80s options but yes, we all know there are about ninety zillion videos from then that could make the worst ever list.
Without further ado, here’s my picks for TEN OF THE WORST MUSIC VIDEOS EVER:
The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins – Filmed in 1967 while the 2nd season of Original Series Star Trek was on air, this is one of my favorite bad, campy videos. Nimoy, an avid fan of Tolkien, appears singing a song by Charles Randolph Grean. The album featuring the song, “The Two Sides of Leonard Nimoy,” was released a year later. Interestingly, there was actually a campaign to get Nimoy to play Aragorn in a Lord of the Rings film due to this video…whaaat?
Apache – Popular Danish singer/composer/etc. Tommy Seebach recorded a hit disco instrumental version of “Apache” in the late 70s. I like this music video because of the artistry with which the lameness builds. It opens with a guy standing in the woods wearing fringe. Lame. It focuses on Tommy dancing like a dork near his keyboard, sporting the kind of hairdo I expect to see on guys who work at Fry’s. Lamer! Oh but wait… then, a bunch of scantily clad women with flapper head gear and bad Native American “costumes” appear. People, it takes skill to start with a spark of lame and fan it into full on f-lame. Witness the spectacular lame-osity for yourself:
I Want to Love You Tender – Armi and Danny were a popular Finnish duo, this song was a hit in Finnish and released in English in 1978. This video is often touted as the worst music video EVER… probably due to its WTF?! choreography and entertaining use of green screen. This is one of my favorite terrible music videos. Trivia – the duo were secretly lovers and some people think this song hints at their relationship together.
Let’s Groove – This funky, fun single from Earth, Wind and Fire was out in 1981 and is accompanied by an incredibly cheesy music video. Now I know where Captain EO got his costume ideas from.
A “Music Video” from Mr. T – It is highly questionable as to whether this should count as a music video, however it does feature backup dancers, valuable lessons about mothers, terrible rap, awful synth, and Mr. T in hot pants! It deserves a spot here, I’m sure you’ll agree. I don’t understand how this video doesn’t win the top spot for worst music video ever, but I guess the dance choreography for this video looks amazing as compared to the moves in ‘I Want to Love You Tender.’
I Like Big Butts – Sir Mix-a-lot’s chart topping hit featured a goofy, campy music video which MTV actually banned for awhile. Maybe because he is standing on a ginormous butt while rapping. It’s far too silly to have been banned but whatever. The lyrics were considered especially explicit back in 1992 when this came out. I particularly like the “Cosmopygian” magazine … nod to ten dollar words (callipygian) in chart topping hits are always awesome.
Hooked on a Feeling – David Hasselhoff recorded a hit cover of Hooked on a Feeling in 1996 (sort of, they liked it in Austria anyway). Then, in 2002 he made an intentionally so bad it’s hilarious video to go with it. This music video features the most hilarious use of green screen ever and proves that Hasselhoff is a bad ass. Not only can he sing, but he can fly. I like the random details in this video, for example someone has taken the time to add two dachsunds into a couple of the scenes for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Check it out, you’ll love it too.
Whenever, Wherever – Shakira has a lot of fun catchy stuff. But this video might as well be called Whatever Whoever. Meh. Weird flapping dancing, crappy green screen, and baffling lyrics. Not her best… whatever!
Blah, Blah, Blah – This video features Ke$ha attempting to sing about something. I can’t be bothered to figure out when this song was released or why (there may never be a reason why). Enjoy the auto tuner (auuugh). I hear they play her work on continuous loop in the 9th circle of hell. I recommend checking out this song if you want a seizure from flashing images or if you wanted to clean out your earholes using a steel bristle brush but don’t have one handy.
Nothing in this World – Paris Hilton has done some funny stuff like Paris for President … but this video ends up unintentionally hilarious. The video message is basically ‘Hey kid you’re a complete loser and I want to help you out by getting you the bestest present in the world…ME!’ Wow. You vain, pretentious $#@#$#%%$#@# ! Really high production value cannot remove the ugh factor.
And finally… in the Honorable Mention category since it’s actually a character created by Aussie producer/comedian/etc. Santo Cilauro… it’s internet sensation Zlad Vladko with his number one hit Electronik Supersonik.
I’m also including this gem from the Lawrence Welk show…unintentionally funny performance (not a music video) because Gail and Dale have no idea they are singing about drugs…they just think it’s a ‘modern spiritual’ ha! –
The best part of ‘worst ever’ lists is people disagreeing with me. What isn’t here that makes your top ten list for worst videos of all time?